Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
