So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
