1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
