this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
is wine microwaveable?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
