I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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