Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
