My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
