I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
false alarm. still invincible.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Randomize
