Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(917): View more from New York City

She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.

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(916): View more from California

You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts

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(254): View more from Texas

Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."

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(713): View more from Texas

I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.

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(360): View more from Washington

I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?

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(319): View more from Iowa

I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip

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(585): View more from New York

I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun

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(443): View more from Maryland

You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.

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