cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
