It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
