Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
