Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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