also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Randomize
