Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
