Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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