I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I want to have your abortion
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
