Don't you send me to vm
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
