im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
