in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
now i know why i became what i already was.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
