Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
