I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize