When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
