you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
