he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
