Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
