She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
