sarcasm needs its own font
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
