Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
