they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
