I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
