On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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