I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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