Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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