Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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