awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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