the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
