u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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