He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
false alarm. still invincible.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
