The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
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