She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
