My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
even my farts smell like vagina
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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