You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Text me some of your sweat
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
