I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I touched a dick in church today
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Randomize
