god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
