I think I am morally bankrupt
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
