I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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