So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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