if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Randomize
