I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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