Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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